


Akatsuki Group Chat

by BtsSugaTrash



Category: Naruto
Genre: Comedy, F/M, Group chat, M/M, Parody, Ridiculous, Stupidity, dont take this seriously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-05-29 14:46:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15075422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BtsSugaTrash/pseuds/BtsSugaTrash
Summary: Pein got lazy and decided to buy everyone computer to have their meetings online. Stupidity ensues.





	1. The First Meeting

**Chat: "Akatsuki" is now open.**

**IAmGod Started a group chat!**

**TobiIzGoodBoi Logged in**

**ArtEzABang! Logged in**

**PaperLove Logged in**

**TobiIzGoodBoi:** Heeeey! senpai is on!

**ArtEzABang!:**  god damit...

**IAmGod:** Where are the other members? I specifically told them to get on at this time for our meeting.

**ArtEzABang!:** u sent itachi an kissame on a mishon un, remember?

**IAmGod:** …

**TobiIzGoodBoi:** Zetsu hasn't made a profile yet! He said he didn't know how to work a computer! Tobi gave him a lollipop and told him it was okay!

**PaperLove:** Sasori's fingers were sticking so he is fixing the joints. He won't be able to type until he has them fixed. Kakuzu is tied up with checking the organization's banking account, but he said he'll try to get on later. As for Hidan... I have no idea.

**IAmGod:** -sigh- Alright. Tobi, go and help Zetsu create a profile and show him how it works. We'll wait for a few minutes to see if Sasori, Kakuzu, or Hidan will get on.

**TobiIzGoodBoi:** Roger!

**TobiIzGoodBoi Disconnected**

**ArtEzABang!:** can i git off now. i srsly hav stuff 2 do

**IAmGod:** No. And why are you spelling like that?

**ArtEzABang!:** cuz i wanna un

**IAmGod:** Is it necessary to write 'un'?

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod Logged in**

**ArtEzABang!:** yea it ez UN! XP

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  What the fuck are you talking about Blondie?

**ArtEzABang!:** my namez not Blondie! etz deidara!

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod: ...** Did you type with your fucking face?

**IAmGod:** Enough. Hidan, why are you late?

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:** I got blood stuck under the fucking keys and it dried there. That shit took fucking forever to get out!

**ArtEzABang!:** wtf!howd u get blod under ur kez un?

**IAmGod:** It doesn't matter. As long as the keyboard isn't broken, it's fine. Just don't let it happen again. If we have to replace it due to your stupidity, we'll all have to listen to Kakuzu complain about the expenses.

**LollipopsAndSunshine Logged in**

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:** Ugh. Why do we even fucking have Tobi login? He doesn't do shit.

**IAmGod:**  … That's not Tobi.

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:** Huh? Then who the fuck is it?

**LollipopsAndSunshine:**  It's me..

**IAmGod:**...

**ArtEzABang!:**...

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  ...

**PaperLove:**  Zetsu?

**LollipopsAndSunshine:**  Yes?

**TobiIzGoodBoi Logged in**

**ArtEzABang!:** y th faq ez that ur nam?! wtf?!

**TobiIzGoodBoi:** Tobi helped Zetsu make a profile!

**IAmGod:**  Did you choose Zetsu's name Tobi?

**TobiIzGoodBoi:** Yep!

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:** Hahaha! That's fucking great! That's a perfect name for Oreo! hahaha!

**LollipopsAndSunshine:** Would you like a report Leader-sama?  _I have some information._

**IAmGod:**  Yes, report.

**ArtEzABang!:**  hidan sux ass

**LolipopsAndSunshine:**  Very well.  _Itachi and Kisame made it into the hidden mist village undetected._  They stopped briefly at a stand to purchase supplies but left quickly. They were confronted by a shinobi who recognized Kisame and engaged in a brief conversation before the unknown ninja attacked _._ Two more shinobi came along after him as back up. After a brief fight, one shinobi was taken down by Itachi and the rest by Kisame, but they weren't discovered by anyone else.  _Itachi and Kisame left and are now returning to base._

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  Go fuck yourself!

**TobiIzGoodBoi:** Tobi is a good boy!

**IAmGod:** Thank you Zetsu. I think that's the only productive thing that we'll get done today so you're all free to log off now. The chat room will always stay open unless I choose to close it so you're welcome to stay on. Just know that since I am the leader of this chat, I can see everything you write...

**IAmGod Disconnected**

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  Final-fucking-ly! What a waste of my fucking time! Later Assholes!

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod Disconnected**

**LolipopsAndSunshine Disconnected**

**TobiIzGoodBoi:** Alright! Goodnight senpai! I'll come see you tomorrow!

**TobiIzGoodBoi Disconnected**

**ArtEzABang!:** sht...

**ArtEzABang Disconnected**

**$Money$ Logged in**

**$Money$:**?

**$Money$:** Where is everybody?

**PaperLove:** The meeting is over. Everybody logged out already.

**$Money$:**  …

**$Money$:** SHIT! FUCKING MEETINGS! FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! WASTE OF FUCKING MONEY COMPUTER! FUCK THIS SHIT!

**$Money$ Disconnected**

**PaperLove:** …

**PaperLove Disconnected**

\---------------------

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote and posted this story three years ago on fanfiction.net but i recently randomly stumbled upon it and decided to leave it here and even post a new chapter after two years. I already have 12 chapters posted, so we'll see how many more I write.
> 
> Oh, in case you couldn't tell...
> 
> IAmGod: Pein
> 
> TobiIzGoodBoi: Tobi
> 
> ArtEzABang!: Deidara
> 
> PaperLove: Konan
> 
> JashinIsFuckingTruGod: Hidan
> 
> LollipopsAndSushine: Zetsu
> 
> $Money$: Kakuzu


	2. I'm Normal

**ArtEzABang! Logged in**

**EternalPuppetMaster Logged in**

**ArtEzABang!:** sasori mah man! U got ur fingrz all fixd un?

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  ...Shut up. At least I can actually spell correctly. Did you even attend school?

**ArtEzABang!:**  uhhhh ya un? I wen 2 skol 4 lyk… a weak b4 i got bord an blew that sht up

**EternalPuppetMaster:** That explains your stupidity and lack of grammar.

**TobiIzGoodBoi Logged in**

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Great, I'm surrounded by idiots.

**TobiIzGoodBoi:** Heeeeeeeeeeyyyyyy! senpai! Tobi saw you earlier, but you ran away when I tried to hug you!

**ArtEzABang!:** thatz cuz I h8 u un! XP GTFO!

**TobiIzGoodBoi:**  I don't really know what that means, but I think it says 'I LOVE YOU TOBI'!

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Please God. Kill me...

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod Logged in**

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:** Jashin motherfucker!

**ArtEzABang!:** no tobi... I h8 u! un

**EternalPuppetMaster:** What are you talking about Hidan?

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  Jashin is the one and only God! You have to say shit like 'Please Jashin' not 'Please God'!

**TobiIzGoodBoi:**  Okay senpai! I'll come to your room since you asked!

**ArtEzABang!:** tobi, no

**EternalPuppetMaster:** Jashin is a made up god created from someones imagination, most likely yours. And how did you even know I said the word 'God'? You weren't online.

**TobiIzGoodBoi Disconnected**

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:** FUCK YOU SHITTY PUPPET! LEAVE JASHIN AND MY RELIGION ALONE, FUCKTWAT! WHAT MAKES YOUR STUPID RELIGION SO MUCH FUCKING BETTER THEN MINE!?

**ArtEzABang!:** oh god un... I gotta hyde!

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:** JASHIN, YOU FLAMBOYANT LITTLE BITCH!

**EternalPuppetMaster:** I don't have a religion. I choose to believe in proven facts, not some made up fairy tales about a greater entity. If anything, I believe that Leader-sama is my god.

**IAmGod Logged in**

**IAmGod:** Hella.

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:** JASHIN WILL FUCKING SLAUGHTER ALL OF YOU FUCKING SHIT ASS DICKWADS! FUCK ALL OF YOU ASSHOLES!

**ArtEzABang!:**  Omg.. i can heer him un... plz halp me

**EternalPuppetMaster:** How is it that everyone somehow knows what people are talking about when they're offline and butt in whenever convenient?

**IAmGod:** Because I am god.

**EternalPuppetMaster:**...Okay, we'll go with that. But what about Hidan?

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:** CAUSE JASHIN IS THE SHIT AND IS THE ONE AND FUCKING TRUE GOD! NOW BOW DOWN YOU LITTLE SHIT STICKS! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

**EternalPuppetMaster:**...Well that's a half-assed explanation. I'll just chalk it up to the powers of the authoress.

**IAmGod:** As leader of this chat, I order you to stop breaking the fourth wall. Every time you do, you have to give Kakuzu $50.

**$Money$ Logged in**

**$Money$:** I smelt money.

**EternalPuppetMaster:** My point exactly.

**ArtEzABang!:** Yaaaaayy! Tobi is a good boy!

**IAmGod:** Deidara?

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:** Huh? Is that fucking Tobi?

**ArtEzABang!:** Tobi came to Senpai's room and found him jumping out the window! Since we were super high in the air, I captured him and tied him up! For his safety! I'm not letting senpai free until he feels happy again! I gave him a lollipop but he still seems unhappy... :(

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Have you tried hugging him and telling him you love him?

**ArtEzABang!:** Ooohhhhhh! Good idea, Hang on!

**$Money$:** If anything is blown up, repairation money is coming out of your paycheck.

**EternalPuppetMaster:** …shit...

**Hate Logged in**

**IAmGod:** Ahhh nice of you to join us Itachi. You were on a mission when we were online last.

**Hate:** I heard a girl screaming down the hall and thought it might be Konan, but then I remembered Konan doesn't scream and realised it was just Deidara. I was hoping someone might know why he sounds like he is being brutally murdered.

**EternalPuppetMaster:** And you didn't get up to check if he needed help?

**Hate:**...I didn't care enough. He should feel lucky I did anything at all and didn't completely ignore it.

**EternalPuppetMaster:** Ouch.

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:** No, he's fucking telling the truth! When Oreo got ahold of me after I swapped the water in his watering can for bleach, he was super pissed off. He fucking tortured me for an hour before Itachi walked by the room and saw me being strangled by my own fucking small intestine and bleeding everywhere. He stopped and watched for a minute before he just turned and left without a fucking word. Fucking asshole. I thought Oreo was going to eat me! Fucking literally!

**EternalPuppetMaster:**...Holy shit

**IAmGod:** I'm like, an evil overlord and I still think he's an asshole.

**Hate:** You don't have enough hate.

**ArtEzABang!:**  I hugged senpai but he just screamed! Poor senpai... Tobi wonders what's wrong?

**EternalPuppetMaster:** What the hell is wrong with this organization? Why did I even join? You're all insane. Am I the only normal one here?

**RawrzJaws Logged in**

**PaperLove Logged in**

**LollipopsAndSunshine Logged in**

**IAmGod:**  I'm normal.

**PaperLove:**  I'm normal.

**RawrzJaws:** I'm normal

**ArtEzABang!:**  Tobi's normal!

**$Money$:** I'm normal.

**Hate:** Hnn... Yeah.

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:** I'm fucking normal!

**LollipopsAndSunshine:** I'm fairly  _normal..._

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Fml...

**RawrzJaws:** Hey, everyone is on right? Dinner is ready now. I made homemade ramen!

**ArtEzABang!:** And lollipops!?

**RawrzJaws:** Umm… no Deidara. No lollipops. I thought you said sweets ruined your perfectly white teeth and you'd die before you ate that 'cavity waiting to happen on a stick'?

**IAmGod:** Very well. Everybody will meet downstairs in the kitchen in 5 minutes for dinner. DO NOT be late.

**IAmGod Disconnected**

**EternalPuppetMaster:** Whatever. I'm so done with all of you idiots.

**EternalPuppetMaster Disconnected**

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:** Wow. Fucking drama queen. I call the good bowl!

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod Disconnected**

**LollipopsAndSunshine Disconnected**

**PaperLove Disconnected**

**$Money$ Disconnected**

**ArtEzABang!:** Awww.. :( Tobi wanted the good bowl.

**ArtEzABang!:** Bye bye Itachi and Kisame!

**ArtEzABang! Disconnected**

**RawrzJaws:** Better get it while it's hot.

**RawrzJaws Disconnected**

**Hate:** …I should invite my foolish little brother to our chat. Maybe it will give him more hate.

**Hate Disconnected**

——————————

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey here's an idea. How about you give me an idea! If you comment or PM me an idea, I might use it in the story. 
> 
> In case you need this...
> 
> EternalPuppetMaster: Sasori
> 
> Hate: Itachi
> 
> RawrzJaws: Kisame


	3. Punishment Time!

**IAmGod Logged in**

**PaperLove Logged in**

**IAmGod:** Konan, did you inform the others of the login time?

**PaperLove:**  Yes Leader-sama... but...

**IAmGod:** What's the problem?

**PaperLove:** Well... it seems someone infiltrated the base and the others thought I'd be best to handle it themselves. So... they are currently searching for the perpetrator.

**IAmGod:** What?! I'm the leader of the Akatsuki and no one thought it wise to inform me of this?

**PaperLove:** Actually, that's the reason they went without me... so I could inform you. So... surprise!

**IAmGod:** When they get back, I swear to me that they'll get punished. It is unacceptable to leave me out of something to this extent. They need to learn to respect me.

**PaperLove:**  How? They're a group of cold-hearted, insane, and uncaring criminals through and through.

**IAmGod:**  And that's where you're wrong Konan. I have known most of them for quite some time and I have learned that each one of them has at least one weakness. All I have to do is exploit their weakness as punishment.

**PaperLove:** Oh? And how do you plan to do that?

**IAmGod:** Easy.

Kisame- Kill the fish in his tank with his various cooking utensils and destroy everything else in the kitchen. Throw the dead fish all around his room.

Itachi- Kill Sasuke. For some reason, he has an attachment to his emo little brother who is trying to kill him. Then put lemon juice and bleach in his eye drops.

Hidan- Take his Jashin bible, necklace thing, and his scythe. Then defile them and destroy them all on video. Send him back the pieces of everything with the video tape.

Kakuzu- Burn his money... or take it for myself and spend it all.

Sasori- Disassemble all his puppets and bury the parts through the hidden villages. Give his most important puppet to the Kazekage. Then put termites in him.

Deidara- Steal his hair straightener and replace his hair products with various coloured dyes. Then take his detonating clay away and give him play dough with glue in it so his mouth hand things will get glued shut. And call him ugly.

Zetsu- Kill his plants and pick his flowers. Spray him with weed killer and tell him how paper is made.

Tobi- Take away his candy and lock him in a cage.

**PaperLove:**  …

**IAmGod:** I've had a lot of time to think of these.

**TobiIzGoodBoi Logged in**

**TobiIzGoodBoi:**  Heeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyy!

**IAmGod:**  Tobi, where are the others? Did you catch the infiltrator?

**TobiIzGoodBoi:**  Senpai and the others are still on their way back! Since we never found the sneaky man, they all seem really sad! Maybe I should give them lollipops?

**IAmGod:** Son of a... Tobi! Tell them to log in immediately. There is an emergency meeting asap!

**TobiIzGoodBoi:** Okie Dokie! I'll go tell them!

**PaperLove:**  Hah. Glad I'm not them.

**IAmGod:**  Oh, don't think you're off the hook. You knew about this and let them go through with it, so I'll be punishing you also.

**ArtEzABang! Logged in**

**EternalPuppetMaster Logged in**

**ArtEzABang!:** wat ez et un? I havnt blown enythin up tahday! :( I promiss

**$Money$ Logged in**

**LollipopsAndSunshine Logged in**

**RawrzJaws Logged in**

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod Logged in**

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:** What the hell is with this stupid 'emergency meeting' bullshit? I have sacrifices to perform!

**IAmGod:**  Well, now that everyone is here- wait, where's Itachi?

**EternalPuppetMaster:** He said, and I quote, "Hn... meetings are stupid." and went to his room. I presume he isn't planning on logging in.

**$Money$:** What's the point in buying a computer for him if he doesn't even use it?! This piece of shit machinery... Waste of money.

**RawrzJaws:** Someone should go tell him to get on.

**IAmGod:** You're his roommate, aren't you sitting right next to him?

**RawrzJaws:**  No… Itachi kicked me out and locked the door. He called me an over-sized mutant smurf and told me to do something useful for once.

**ArtEzABang!:** Etachee ez a beech... maybee hez pmsing un?

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Yes Deidara, Itachi is PMSing.

**TobiIzGoodBoi:** Senpai? What's PMSing?

**ArtEzABang!:** Oh mah god, r u serius?

**IAmGod:** Pein

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:** Jashin

**RawrzJaws:** Jaws

**IAmGod:** Enough of this foolishness! I need- Jaws? What the hell?

**RawrzJaws:** Jaws is my god. He is the best shark that has ever lived!

**IAmGod:** Uh... okay, whatever. Kisame, I need you to tell Itachi to login. Orders straight from me.

**RawrzJaws:** I'll try.

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:** So… who'd win in a fight, Metapod or Magikarp?

**PaperLove:** Seriously?

**ArtEzABang!:**  ideit

**EternalPuppetMaster:** For once, I agree with Deidara... just not with his spelling.

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  Wow. I was just trying to be fucking conversational! Fuck you, you termite infestation! Fuck you too you, you fucking illiterate transvestite!

**$Money$:** $100 for Metapod

**PaperLove:**  I put my money on Magikarp

**TobiIzGoodBoi:** I bet both would win!

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Magikarp

**ArtEzABang!:** Mehdahpawd un

**LollipopsAndSunshine:**  Magi _karp..._

**IAmGod:**  Metapod would win

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  Are you fucking serious? I hate all of you fucking shits. You're all assholes.

**RawrzJaws:** I told Itachi and he said he'll kill my fish if I don't stop bothering him... so I stopped. I'd vote Magikarp by the way.

**IAmGod:**  Try again.

**RawrzJaws:**  But he'll kill my fishies! I can't!

**IAmGod:** If Itachi isn't online in 5 minutes, I will cut you up and serve you as sushi for dinner tonight. I'm sure I'm not the only one who wants to try blue sushi.

**RawrzJaws:**  Right... I'll make sure he gets on...

**PaperLove:**  That's so evil... and hot

**EternalPuppetMaster:** … what?

**IAmGod:**  You think so, huh?

**PaperLove:**  Definitely

**IAmGod:**  I could always show you something much hotter...

**PaperLove:**  Oh really? Then please do.

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:** Ewwwwwwwwww! Someone please go get Itachi so we can start this meeting!

**ArtEzABang!:**  Duz eny1 else heer criing?

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Now that you mention it, I do too.

**RawrzJaws:**  jbdks;HJLGV J8383mjjkj'.[[230

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:** What the fuck was that? I'm gonna go see if shark boy is fucking dead or something.

**TobiIzGoodBoi:**  Oh no! What's wrong with Kisame?! Tobi hopes he's okay!

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  Oh my fucking Jashin...

**IAmGod:** Hidan, what happened? Report.

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  It's.. I … oh my Jashin.. this is..

**$Money$:** Spit it out, moron.

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:** This is... fucking hilarious! HAHAHA! OH MY JASHIN THIS IS GOOD! WHERE'S MY VIDEO CAMERA?! HAHA!

**IAmGod:** Hidan, explain. Now.

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:** Oh fuck, this is great! I can't wait to 4ijh 44uHUSHUULLL;DDDDDDDD

**IAmGod:**  Hidan?

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod Disconnected**

**EternalPuppetMaster:** What the hell...?

**Hate Logged in**

**IAmGod:** Finally. Itachi, report.

**Hate:**  Kisame was being a nuisance outside my door so to make him hate life and hopefully have him either leave or kill himself, I killed one of his fish. Although, I still feel one isn't enough and Kisame is being over dramatic. I only beheaded the fish, threw it's guts and body on the floor in front of the door so he would slip and fall in them when I let him in, and used the head as a make-shift sock puppet. I did nothing as great as to make him collapse and cry like this.

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Seriously, what the fuck. You know he loves those fish more then anything in the world.

**PaperLove:**  Poor Kisame.

**$Money$:**  Great. I'll have to buy him another fish now. Screw you Itachi.

**Hate:** New update: It seems luck was on my side and I happened to randomly select his favorite fish, Nemo, to kill. I. Am. Good.

**IAmGod:** Great, I'm so glad for you. Now what of Hidan?

**Hate:** He was annoying so I cut off his head. It seems to have landed on his laptop and it is now sitting in a giant puddle of blood while sparking with Hidan's beheaded head sitting on it.

**$Money$:**  OH JUST FUCKING GREAT! ONE MORE THING THAT WE HAVE TO PAY FOR! I'M TAKING IT OUT OF HIDANS PAY CHECK, THAT FUCKING BASTARD! I FUCKING HATE THAT ALL OF YOU JUST THROW AWAY MONEY! INCOMPETENT LITTLE SHITS!

**ArtEzABang!:**  Whait un... es the head lookin at u?

**Hate:**  Yes... It reminds me of a cake. A very bloody, morbid cake. Kisame's sobbing in the background really creates a nice effect.

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  I'm fucking done. You're all fucking fucked up.

**EternalPuppetMaster Disconnected**

**RawrzJaws:** N... Nemo..

**IAmGod:** Well I see we will accomplish nothing once again. I will punish all of you later for acting without my guidance and for letting an infiltrator escape. For now, I'm logging off. Deidara, Tobi, go help clean up Itachi and Kisame's room. Kakuzu, buy Kisame another fish and Hidan another laptop. Zetsu, try and get info on our anonymous infiltrator. Konan, my office, now. By that, I mean my bedroom.

**PaperLove:**  Yes sir.

**IAmGod Disconnected**

**PaperLove Disconnected**

**LollipopsAndSunshine Disconnected**

**TobiIzGoodBoi:**  Yay! I'll give a lollipop to Kisame and Hidan to make them feel better! Let's go Senpai!

**ArtEzABang!:**  I h8 mah lyf..

**ArtEzABang! Disconnected**

**TobiIzGoodBoi Disconnected**

**$Money$ Disconnected**

**RawrzJaws Disconnected**

**Hate:**  All the members of the Akatsuki need more hate.

**Hate Disconnected**

———————————

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if you find any errors! I'm only posting three chapters today, but I'll post some more tomorrow probably if I remember, if not then I will this weekend for sure.


	4. Help Tobi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tobi looses it

**TobiIzGoodBoi Logged in**

**ArtEzABang! Logged in**

**TobiIzGoodBoi:** Heeeeyyyyy! Senpai!

**ArtEzABang!:** fuuuuuuuqqqqqqq!

**TobiIzGoodBoi:**  Are you busy Senpai? If not, Tobi needs your help!

**ArtEzABang!:** …wut, un?

**TobiIzGoodBoi:**  Leader-sama put Tobi in a small metal box and took away his candy! Tobi can't get out because the box took away Tobi's chakra! Tobi needs you get get him out!

**ArtEzABang!:** leader lockt u en a cage?

**TobiIzGoodBoi:**  Yes! He told Tobi that it was punishment for being stupid!

**ArtEzABang!:**  ef ur lockt en a cage, y do u hav ur laptop un?

**TobiIzGoodBoi:** Tobi was using it when leader put him in here! So, can you help Tobi?

**ArtEzABang!:**  lol no.

**TobiIzGoodBoi:**  Waaaaaahhh?! Please Senpai!

**PaperLove Logged in**

**ArtEzABang!:** stfu tobi. hi konan

**PaperLove:** Hello Deidara.

**TobiIzGoodBoi:**  TOBI IS STUCK IN A METAL BOX WITHOUT CANDY! TOBI NEEDS HELP! PLEASE HELP, KONAN!

**PaperLove:**  I can't. This is your punishment for the infiltrator accident the other day. If I helped you, Pein would be angry and I'd have one miserable week...

**ArtEzABang!:**  lol. Cuz u shackin up with leader un. U worred he wont giv u ane seeeeexxx?

**TobiIzGoodBoi:**  BUGS! TOBI SEES BUGS EVERYWHERE!

**PaperLove:**  What?! How dare you Deidara! I have no idea what you're talking about.

**ArtEzABang!:**  riiiiight un.

**TobiIzGoodBoi:** OH MY GOD! THEY ARE CRAWLING ON TOBI!

**IAmGod Logged in**

**IAmGod:** Pein

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod Logged in**

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:** Jashin

**RawrzJaws Logged in**

**RawrzJaws:** Jaws

**ArtEzABang!:**  srsly... wtf?

**TobiIzGoodBoi:**  MUHAHAHA! I AM GOING TO DESTROY YOU ALL WITH THE UCHIHA POWER BITCHES!

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  What the fuck? Is that Tobi?

**IAmGod:**  …Or is it you, 'M-Dog'?

**RawrzJaws:** M-Dog? Who is that?

**PaperLove:**  It's still Tobi. It's just that he has gone insane from being candy-depraved and locked in a metal cage.*hint hint, wink wink*

**IAmGod:**  You want me to let him out? He's only been in there for 10 minutes!

**PaperLove:**  Pretty please?

**IAmGod:**  …

**TobiIzGoodBoi:** YOU FUCKERS ARE ALL GOING TO GET SLAUGHTERED! ONE BY ONE YOU WILL FALL TO A POOL OF BLOOD AT MY FEET! HAHAHAAHAHA!

**IAmGod:**  Fine. Kisame, go let Tobi out from the cage and bring candy with you. The key is on top of the cage.

**RawrzJaws:** Okay.

**TobiIzGoodBoi:** I’LL WATCH THE LIFE DRAIN OUT OF YOUR EYES AS I SLIT YOUR FUCKING THROATS YOU PIECES OF SHIT! YOU’RE FUCKING WORTHLESS AND POWERLESS AGAINST MY POWER, I’LL MURDER YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE ONE BY ONE UNTIL YOUR CORPSES ARE PILED BENEATH ME!

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:** Fucking whipped.

**IAmGod:**  I am going to murder you.

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  Too bad you fucking can't! Immortal remember?

**IAmGod:**  Oh, I remember... I also remember that it's because of your religion that you're immortal. So if you happened to be in a coma for awhile and weren't able to pray, do rituals, or sacrifice anybody, you would most likely no longer be immortal. All I have to do is have Itachi put you in a coma for awhile until I can slaughter you and make sure you stay dead.

**ArtEzABang!:**  want sum ice fur that bern, hidan?

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod** : ...Shut up you incompetent little gay fuck. Why don't you fuck off to Konan's room to talk about hair, nails, and boys like usual.

**PaperLove:** You're just mad that you got your religion dissed and have no comeback to defend it.

**IAmGod:** Konan-1 Hidan-0

**TobiIzGoodBoi:**  Yaaay! Tobi is free! Thank you Konan for helping me! You're Tobi's hero!

**PaperLove:** You're welcome.

**RawrzJaws Disconnected**

**ArtEzABang!:**  huh? how com kissame randumlee got off un?

**IAmGod:** That is odd...

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  Maybe Red Eyes finally killed the blue shit. He said the other day that it was only a matter of time until one of us found him dead in his fucking fish tank.

**ArtEzABang!:** thatz probly wut hapend un.

**IAmGod:** Maybe I should send someone...?

**EternalPuppetMaster Logged in**

**TobiIzGoodBoi:**  Heeeeeeey! Sasori!

**EternalPuppetMaster:** Tobi... you are a bad boy.

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:** 0o0

**IAmGod:**  0-0

**ArtEzABang!:** :O

**PaperLove:** …?

**TobiIzGoodBoi:**  W...What?! No! Tobi is a good boy! What did Tobi do wrong?!

**IAmGod:**  Care to explain Sasori?

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Well, it seems that Tobi was locked in a cage without any candy for a little while. This caused Tobi to panic and also left him with low blood sugar, both of these combined led him to hallucinate and loose his mind. When Kisame let him out, it seems Tobi mistook him for blue candy in his delirious state and started to bite and eat Kisame. By the time I found them, Kisame was heavily bleeding and I had to have Kakuzu reattach his right arm. I managed to get Tobi back in his right mind by giving him lollipops, but he skipped away before I could confront him. Kisame kept crying out in pain so I just gave him some random drugs I found lying around. It worked, he is no longer screaming and is instead trying to figure out how to get in Itachi's pants.

**ArtEzABang!:**  Wut the acual faq.

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  Holy shit! Tobi actually did that?!

**IAmGod:**  TOBI WAS ONLY IN THERE FOR 10 MINUTES!

**TobiIzGoodBoi:**  Tobi is sorry. He didn't mean to… Tobi will bring Kisame a lollipop later to make him feel better!

**IAmGod:**  Ugh... How is Kisame's condition?

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  I finished stitching him up but he will be in a lot of pain once he comes off the drugs. That's why every time he starts to feel pain, I will inject him with more drugs. I'm doing this for him, not to make him addicted to drugs so that it pisses off Kakuzu when he buys more.

**$Money$ Logged in**

**$Money$:** Fuck you Sasori

**$Money$ Disconnected**

**PaperLove:** How odd...

**IAmGod:**  I'm getting a migraine, so I'm leaving. Konan, come to the usual place and bring that 'thing'.

**PaperLove:**  I'll be there in 5 minutes.

**PaperLove Disconnected**

**IAmGod:**  Later Suckers.

**IAmGod Disconnected**

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  Wow. They could at least fucking TRY to make it seem like they aren't going to go fuck each other.

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Kisame has started screaming in pain again, so I have to go give him more drugs.

**EternalPuppetMaster Disconnected**

**TobiIzGoodBoi:** Hey, senpai! Why don't we make a place to meet up like Leader and Konan do!?

**ArtEzABang!:**  wut… no... tobi, no un

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  I'm getting out of this shit before it gets even weirder.

**ArtEzABang!:** NO! DONT LEV ME ALON WITH HIM!

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod Disconnected**

**TobiIzGoodBoi:**  Heeeey, why did Hidan get off?

**ArtEzABang!:** hidan, u fuqin trater...

**TobiIzGoodBoi:**  So, Tobi thought 'the place' could be either Tobi's room or your room!

**ArtEzABang!:** …

**ArtEzABang!:** no

**TobiIzGoodBoi:**  Whaat? Then where?

**Infiltrator101 Logged in**

**ArtEzABang!:** …

**Infiltrator101:** Hello

**TobiIzGoodBoi:** Heeeey!

**ArtEzABang!:**  WHO THA FUQ R U UN?!

**Infiltrator101:** Oh, just someone passing by... But don't worry, I'll be back shortly.

**Infiltrator101 Disconnected**

**TobiIzGoodBoi:**  Hey, where did the stranger guy go?

**ArtEzABang!:**  OMG! I hav 2 go find leader un!

**ArtEzABang! Disconnected**

**TobiIzGoodBoi:**  But Tobi thought leader was meeting up with Konan? Oh well.

**TobiIzGoodBoi Disconnected**

————————


	5. The Plot Thickens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pein strikes a deal

**IAmGod Logged in**

**IAmGod:** …

**IAmGod:**  ….

**IAmGod:** Where is everyone? This was the time I set for the meeting... right?

**IAmGod:** Yes, I'm certain it is. So why isn't anyone on?

**IAmGod:** Maybe this is a practical joke? Hmpf, punishment for everyone then.

**Infiltrator101 Logged in**

**IAmGod:**  …the hell?

**Infiltrator101:** Why hello Pein. I have been trying to speak with you for quite some time. I tried to visit your base but it seemed I was... unwelcome.

**IAmGod:** Your the one who snuck into my base? Who are you? What do you want with the Akatsuki? And how did you get the password for this chat?

**Infiltrator101:** Ah, so many questions. Well, to answer them all simply: Yes I was the one... visiting your base but I was only there to speak with you, I am someone who would like to make a deal with you, I don't want anything to do with the Akatsuki but it happens that the deal I would like to make has to do with some members, and you may want to change your password to something other then 'Pein Is God'.

**IAmGod:** Deal? What deal do you have in mind? And what have you done with the other members?

**Infiltrator101:** Ah, the deal is very simple. I want Itachi Uchiha in exchange for the entire strength of my ninja village, The Village Hidden in Sound. Very simple really, and very much in your favour.

**IAmGod:**  You want me to just give you, a complete stranger with unknown intentions, one of my best members in exchange for power? You ask me this when I personally know Itachi, and somehow unwillingly have grown somewhat attached to this emotionless psychopath and think of him as not only a comrade, but a friend? All in exchange for power? Do you think I'm that greedy?

**Infiltrator101:** Yes, I do.

**IAmGod:**  Well then you'd be correct. Throw in 40% of your villages earnings and you have a deal.

**Infiltrator101:** 20%

**IAmGod:** 50%

**Infiltrator101:** 25%

**IAmGod:** 60%

**Infiltrator101:** 40%

**IAmGod:** 50%, final offer. Going once,

**Infiltrator101:** Hm...

**IAmGod:**  Twice..

**Infiltrator101:** Fine!

**IAmGod:** Sold! I hope you enjoy your new Uchiha and use it however you wish! I honestly don't care as long as you keep your end of the deal. We will be staying in touch. I'll send you a package soon with your item, but no promises that it will work as you expect. Anyway, moving on. What did you do with the rest of my members? They all knew to log in at a certain time, but none of them did. You showed up instead.

**Infiltrator101:**  Well you see, I blocked them from the chat by using the power of technology, making them unable to join the server.

**TobiIzGoodBoi Logged in**

**PaperLove Logged in**

**Hate Logged in**

**IAmGod:**  Oh really?

**TobiIzGoodBoi:** Oh heey! That guy is back! Hi!

**Infiltrator101:** …

**Infiltrator101:** We'll be in touch.

**Infiltrator101 Disconnected**

**IAmGod:** Where were you? Where is everyone else?

**TobiIzGoodBoi:** Tobi and everyone were playing poker and lost track of time. We were the only ones to leave the game for the meeting!

**PaperLove:** Who was that? What will you be in touch about? Is she prettier then me? Are you leaving me?

**IAmGod:** Uh, no. That was the leader of The Village Hidden in Sound I believe who I think is a guy. We will be in touch about a deal we just made.

**Hate:** You made a deal with a stranger? What deal?

**TobiIzGoodBoi:** Tobi is a good boy!

**IAmGod:** Let's go Konan. We have a very important meeting.

**PaperLove:**  Damn right we do.

**PaperLove Disconnected**

**IAmGod:**  Ah, yes. Itachi, I sold you to that stranger so you will be going with him tomorrow and staying there. I don't know where 'there' is or who the stranger is, but I'm sure you'll be fine. Just remember, you will be greatly helping the Akatsuki.

**IAmGod Disconnected**

**Hate:**...what?

**Hate:** ….I hate you Pein.

**Hate Disconnected**

**TobiIzGoodBoi:** Ohhhh... Leader is a bad boy.

**TobiIzGoodBoi:**  I'm going to go find senpai!

**TobiIzGoodBoi Disconnected**


	6. CHAT DELETED

**IAmGod Logged in**

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod Logged in**

**PaperLove Logged in**

**RawrzJaws Logged in**

**LollipopsAndSunshine Logged in**

**IAmGod:**  Zetsu, report on the transaction.

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  Just fucking great. Another boring ass meeting. Do I have to fucking be here? The other members aren't dammit!

**PaperLove:** That's because Kakuzu is handling a matter with our bank account, Sasori and Deidara are on a mission in Konohagakure, Tobi is wherever Tobi is, and Itachi is... wait, where is Itachi?

**LollipopsAndSunshine:** _The transaction was a success_. I delivered the package to the designated location where I met up with a man with white skin and...  _purple eye shadow..._  I gave him the package and had him sign the papers you gave me. All went according to plan and the papers are on your desk.

**RawrzJaws:** Yeah, I haven't seen Itachi since... N-Nemo...

**IAmGod:** Thank you Zetsu, you're free to go. To answer your question as to where Itachi is, he has officially left the organization. On his own accord. He chose to leave willingly. Of his own free will.

**LollipopsAndSunshine Disconnected**

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  Red eyes left? And you fucking let him?

**IAmGod:** Of course. Everyone in this organization has the option to leave if they choose. You all joined willingly so I don't see why you would though.

**PaperLove:** Itachi is gone? Did he leave his stuff in his room?

**IAmGod:**  Yes, I believe so. Why?

**PaperLove:**  No reason... I have to go.

**PaperLove Disconnected**

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:** The fuck did she go?

**RawrzJaws:** Itachi... left? Hah! Well good riddance! No more of my fish will be killed, I have more space for my fish tanks, he won't be able to criticise my love for cooking, and he can no longer lock me out of my room! This is... great. Really great... yeah. It's just what I wanted.

**IAmGod:**  Yes, well. I will have his things cleaned out tomorrow by Konan since she seems so interested in his things for some reason. Don't worry about finding a new partner as I already have one in mind and have taken steps in recruiting him. If my calculations are correct, you should notice little to no difference between your future partner and Itachi. Perhaps he shall be even better as I believe he won't murder your fish friends.

**RawrzJaws:**  Haha! Perfect, sounds great! Well, I'm going to be looking into some new fish tanks! Bye!

**RawrzJaws Disconnected**

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  Well, it fucking looks like homo shark is missing his little bitch. Hah, this will be fun.

**IAmGod:**  Sure. Anyway Hidan, I have a mission for you and Kakuzu when he is done solving that little issue. You should find it suitable since it, 'is fucking bloody' and it pays well.

**$Money$ Logged in**

**$Money$:** How much?

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  I'm not even fucking surprised.

**IAmGod:** Come to my office in an hour and I'll give you the details.

**IAmGod Disconnected**

**$Money$ Disconnected**

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:** Fuck yeah! This shit just keeps getting better!

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod Disconnected**

**:THERE IN NO ONE LEFT IN THIS CHAT:**

**Hate Logged in**

**Hate:** Is anyone on? I don't have much time.

**Hate:**  Anyone?

**Hate:** Please help.

**Infiltrator101 Logged in**

**Hate:**  No...

**Infiltrator101:** Tachi-chan, where are you hiding? It's only a matter of time until I find you.

**Hate:**  I will Mangekyō you into next week if you even come close to me.

**Infiltrator101:** Tsk tsk. Why must you be so against me? Well, I do love to tame the wild ones~

**Hate:** I swear to god I'm going to kill you Pein.

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod Logged in**

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  JASHIN BITCH! YOU HAVE TO SWEAR TO JASHIN! Wait, Itachi? I fucking thought you left the Akatsuki?

**Hate:** Hidan, Pein lied. He sold me in a deal to a snake child molester. You have to help me. Come find me in the Village Hidden in So-

**Hate Disconnected**

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**..wtf

**Infiltrator101:** Don't worry. That's just a little... inside joke.

**Infiltrator101:**  ...

**Infiltrator101:**  Goodbye.

**Infiltrator101 Disconnected**

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:** Who the fuck was that?

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  What just happened?

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  ...Who fuckin cares. I have sacrifices to make, dammit.

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod Disconnected**

**:THERE IN NO ONE LEFT IN THIS CHAT:**

**IAmGod Logged in**

**IAmGod:**  Hmm... Seems Hidan won't pursuit his findings, but I'll have to rid of the evidence.

**ARE YOU SURE YOU WOULD LIKE TO DELETE THIS CHAT?**

**CHAT DELETED**


	7. Akatsuki Chat 2

**Chat: "Akatsuki 2" is now open.**

**IAmGod Started a group chat!**

**TobiIzGoodBoi Logged in**

**PaperLove Logged in**

**LollipopsAndSunshine Logged in**

**$Money$ Logged in**

**RawrzJaws Logged in**

**EternalPuppetMaster Logged in**

**ArtEzABang! Logged in**

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod Logged in**

**ArtEzABang!:** W8, im confuzd... y did we hav 2 mak a new chat?

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  Because you're gay.

**IAmGod:**  Because the infiltrator had gotten our password and was spying on us. Now, everyone is logged in so let's- wait. Where is the new member? Konan, I told you to tell him the meet time did I not?

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  It's not like the new password is any fucking better. All you did was remove the shitty spaces! It's just Peinisgod. Which is fucking hilarious because it looks like that shit says Penis god. Haha!

**PaperLove:** I did tell him the time but it appears that we didn't tell him that the meetings were online...

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  ...Honestly. How the hell are we supposed to bring peace to the world if we're just a group of morons? I swear, I am the only sane one here.

**TobiIzGoodBoi:**  Heeeyyyy! Senpai! Can Tobi come visit?

**$Money$:**  We bought a laptop specifically for this use so he WILL use it. Even if it is not brand new.

**IAmGod:**  Well, since you volunteered, Kakuzu! You will go to the newbie's room and help him set up an account.

**$Money$:**  ...Waste of freaking money, laptops..

**$Money$ Disconnected**

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Why not just have Kisame do it? They are sitting right next to each other! They're roommates!

**ArtEzABang!:**  tobi...no. not agan.. plz no

**LollipopsAndSunshine:** _Leader-sama_ , I have news on... that thing.

**IAmGod:**  Good, something productive. Report.

**TobiIzGoodBoi:**  Senpai! Do you want Tobi to bring you candy? Oh! Maybe Tobi can bring you homemade cookies! Kisame has been making a lot of those for some reason!

**LollipopsAndSunshine:**  I met up with the leader of The Hidden Sound to check in.  _There were a few set backs with his package,_  but he said it was currently...  _resolved._  I ensured he would keep his end of the deal and checked in on the package as you said.

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod** : ...Why does this all sound so fucking familiar... I feel like I'm missing some important shit.

**ArtEzABang!:**  thats cuz hez still depressd abot itachee and ez makin sweetz 2 get ovr him. but srsly, stay away frm me or I will bloo u up into nxt weak!

**RawrzJaws:**  That's not true! I've just been hungry... and I don't miss Itachi even a little bit! All he did was kill my fish and make me feel bad about myself. Why would I miss him?!

**IAmGod:**  Thank you Zetsu. You will receive a bonus for your extra work you have been putting in lately.

**MustKillItachi Logged in**

**LollipopsAndSunshine:**  Thank you Leader-sama

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  Who the fuck is that?

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Kill Itachi? Who is... wait.

**IAmGod:**  Ah yes, hello. I'm sorry we forgot to tell you about the online meetings, it slipped my mind. Why don't you start by introducing yourself to everyone.

**$Money$ Logged in**

**TobiIzGoodBoi:**  But Tobi loves Senpai!

**MustKillItachi:**  My name is Sasuke Uchiha. I hate a lot of things, and I don't particularly like anything. What I have is not a dream, because I will make it a reality. I'm going to restore my clan, and kill a certain someone.

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  Anyone else getting fucking déjà vu?

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Let me guess. That certain someone is... hm, let me think... Itachi?

**MustKillItachi:** Yes it is. Because I am an avenger and I will get my revenge through this organization!

**PaperLove:**  So that's how you got him to join...

**ArtEzABang!:**  well im shur this ucheeha is bettr then the othr 1. itachee was a prick.

**IAmGod:**  Yes, that is what my hope is. I did not recruit him just to put my guilt at ease, trying to make it seem like nothing has changed and hoping they would be so alike I wouldn't even notice a change. That way I can forget all about what I did and continue on with our plan as if I did not sell one of out best members and someone who has wormed their way into my non existent heart to some creepy pedophile snake-man who I knew absolutely nothing about or his intentions.

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Wow. Denial much?

**PaperLove:**  Think Sasuke knows that he has his brothers old laptop?

**TobiIzGoodBoi:**  Uh oh, Konan is a bad... boy?

**MustKillItachi:**  What?

**ArtEzABang!:**  y conan? y?

**MustKillItachi:**  WHAT!?

**MustKillItachi Disconnected**

**IAmGod:**  Itachi? I mean Sasuke? What happened?

**RawrzJaws:**  Um... he just smashed his laptop on the ground, set it on fire, then threw it out the window.

**$Money$:**  OH MY FUCKING GOD! WHY MUST PEOPLE SEEK TO PISS ME OFF BY CARELESSLY WASTING MONEY YOU PEA BRAINED NEANDERTHALS!

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  Jashin... you mean oh my fucking Jashin.

**$Money$:**  I'm going to fucking KILL YOU!

**$Money$ Disconnected**

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:** Kakuzu! No stop!

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod Disconnected**

**TobiIzGoodBoi:**...Senpaaaiii! Tobi's coming over to play!

**TobiIzGoodBoi Disconnected**

**ArtEzABang!:**  fml. no1 can blam me if i bloo him up

**ArtEzABang! Disconnected**

**LollipopsAndSunshine:**  May I leave now Leader-sama?

**IAmGod:**  Sigh.. yes you may. Thank you Zetsu.

**LollipopsAndSunshine Disconnected**

**PaperLove:**  So... meeting over? How about an after meeting party? ;)

**IAmGod:**  My room, right- wait. I forgot to ask, why were you so interested in Itachi's things?

**PaperLove:**  Oh yes. That's because I remembered seeing a diary in Itachi's possession and I wanted to find it, that's all.

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Itachi has a diary? Did you find it?

**PaperLove:**  Yes. Don't worry, on our next meeting, I'll be posting excerpts from it. It's very interesting.

**IAmGod:**  That's so evil... and hot. My room now.

**IAmGod Disconnected**

**PaperLove:**  Yes sir

**PaperLove Disconnected**

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  ….I'm so done with this organization.

**RawrzJaws:**  Wait Sasori! I need to talk to you.

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Me? Well, you are probably the second most sane in the organization so... alright, what is it Kisame?

**RawrzJaws:**  Well... remember when you found me when Tobi tried eating me? And you gave me those drugs?

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Of course I do. Why, is there something you'd like to ask?

**RawrzJaws:**  … Well, do you think you could you know...

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Ahhh I understand. Of course, I would be more then happy to help! Just come by my room and I'll provide you with however much you'd like... just make sure you come with enough money.

**RawrzJaws:**  Okay...

**RawrzJaws Disconnected**

**EternalPuppetMaster:** Hehehe... Kakuzu is going to looove this...

**EternalPuppetMaster Disconnected**


	8. Akatsuki's New Pet

**EternalPuppetMaster Logged in**

**ArtEzABang! Logged in**

**ArtEzABang!:**  shtttt! danna! We fuqd up!

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Don't you think I realise that you illiterate queer! And who's this 'we'? You were in charge of covering our tracks!

**ArtEzABang!:**  wut?! no i waznt! u were un!

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Look, it doesn't really matter anymore. We just have to work together to fix this, okay?

**ArtEzABang!:**  yeah, un... any ideas?

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Kill him and hide the evidence?

**ArtEzABang!:** NO! leadr wud kill us ef he fond out we killd him! remembr? he saed that ane vilence towards the leaf vilage culd start a war!

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  For once, you're right. Well we can't keep him unconscious and hidden forever, the others will find out eventually! We also can't let him go because he would reveal our bases location...

**ArtEzABang!:**  ...we relly fuqd up this tim...

**IAmGod Logged in**

**IAmGod:**  Oh good, you're back from your mission and early for our meeting. Report.

**ArtEzABang!:**  uhhhh well, un... we mad it 2 konohaa en we stol the scrolz without a problm... en then cam back here... thats it.

**IAmGod:**  Perfect, well done. There's is just one thing.

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Yes, Leader-sama?

**IAmGod:**  As leader of this chat, I can see conversations from when I was offline. Now what are you hiding? Why are you, 'fuqd'?

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Dammit Deidara, you idiot!

**ArtEzABang!:** mee? its not my falt!

**IAmGod:**  Deidara, Sasori. Explain.  **Now.**

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Well... you remember how you said no violence, right? Well, we followed your instructions and stayed out of combat, going in and out undetected. We left Konohagakure with no problem and finally got to the base. But when we were entering the base, I sensed someone's chakra behind us. Of course, I immediately poisoned them, non lethally, and went to collect them... only to find out it was an unconscious shinobi known as the Copy-Nin from Konohagakure. I figure that he followed us all the way from his village without our notice. When we found out it was a Leaf shinobi, we knew we couldn't kill him in fear of starting a war so we brought him in our base, put him in one of the cells, and chained him up with chakra depleting chains. Currently, he is still unconscious.

**ArtEzABang!:**  were srry leadr! Plz dont kill us!

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  ...Leader-sama?

**IAmGod:**  You two...  **HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID!**

**ArtEzABang!:**  ..s-srry leadr...

**IAmGod:**  Sorry? Sorry?! How is that going to fix this mess?! You... I swear to me you two will be punished. Severely.

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod Logged in**

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  You swear to Jashin bitch!

**IAmGod:**  …

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Hidan... you idiot.

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  Huh? What? What the fuck is going on?

**ArtEzABang!:**  soooo not the tim, u stupeed religus prick.

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  What'd you say you girly fucking tranny?!

**IAmGod:**  Hidan... you have three seconds to run...

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:** Huh? Why? Wtf did I do?!

**IAmGod:**  3

**ArtEzABang!:**  run

**IAmGod:**  2

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Seriously, don't let him get to one.

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  W-why? Fuck! I'm going, I'm fucking going!

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod Disconnected**

**IAmGod:**  Now, you two. Your punishment will come after we fix the problem you created.

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Yes, Leader-sama. But how do we fix the problem?

**ArtEzABang!:**  want me 2 mak him into art, un?

**IAmGod:**  No, that will make things worse. Hm... Let's just keep him as a hostage.

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  A hostage? But isn't that dangerous? What is he escapes or attacks one of us?

**IAmGod:** Easy. I will have Kakuzu buy him a chakra depleting collar for him to wear so he doesn't need to be confined to that cell and we'll just tell him that we have Itachi, I mean Sasuke, and we'll kill him if he dares to escape or attack us. Just in case, We will modify our barrier jutsu's on all the entrances and exits to make it impossible for him to leave. Just think of him as out new pet.

**ArtEzABang!:**  uh... okay un... that works..

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  But what will we tell the others? Do you really expect them to believe that we just kidnapped a famous leaf shinobi to keep as out pet?

**PaperLove Logged in**

**$Money$ Logged in**

**MustKillItachi Logged in**

**TobiIzGoodBoi Logged in**

**TobiIzGoodBoi:** Heeeeeyy senpai! You're back! Tobi missed you!

**IAmGod:**  I have an announcement that involves all of the Akatsuki. Spread the word that I need all the members online asap.

**PaperLove:**  I will go inform Zetsu and Hidan. I saw Hidan in the hall trying to hide behind Zetsu for some reason. I'll return in a moment.

**MustKillItachi:** I tried to tell the weird shark but he just keeps baking cookies... like he didn't even hear me.

**LollipopsAndSunshine Logged in**

**IAmGod:**  Try punching him the face. That might get his attention.

**LollipopsAndSunshine:**  Emergency meeting, Leader-sama?

**IAmGod:**  Yes, just a moment Zetsu.

**ArtEzABang!:**  tobi, u remembr wat hapend last tim dont u?

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod Logged in**

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  ...I don't know what the fuck I did to piss you off! I'm not going to apologize and I'm not fucking scared of a bitch like you!

**TobiIzGoodBoi:**  Yes... Tobi remembers... Tobi is sorry. He'll leave you alone now senpai...

**MustKillItachi:**  I punched him... but I think he might be under some kind of genjutsu or something. He is currently clinging onto me while sobbing about something to do with Nemo and my evil, clan-murdering, heartless, loathsome, heinous, nefarious, corrupt, villainous, calamitous, traitorous, shit eating, queerbait bastard brother of mine.

**PaperLove:**  Speaking of your queerbait brother, here's an excerpt from his diary:

"March 29

I saw a duck on my mission with Kisame. It reminded me of Sasuke. I really miss him... my dear foolish little brother. I visited Konoha again to see him the other day. Even if he never notices me, it makes me feel better watching him. What I saw made me prickle with jealousy... my dear Otouto being hugged by some weak, ugly, big-foreheaded, pink-haired nobody. How dare she... I should be the one hugging him, clinging onto him all I like... I decided then to start watching him more frequently and closely. I have gone everyday since then and every time that wench is there trying to gain his affections. That's why I also decided that day to kill this wannabe-kunoichi. Yes... all in good time. I will have my foolish little brother all to myself."

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  What the actual fuck.

**PaperLove:**  I know. I knew that he was obsessed with Sasuke, but I never knew he was into that kind of creepy stalker obsession shit laced with incest and insane jealousy.

**MustKillItachi:**  …

**$Money$:**  Can we just get on with this? Time is money.

**IAmGod:**  Yes, just make sure this information gets to Kisame when he is... feeling better. Now! From today on, we have a new pet! His name is Kakashi Hatake and he is a powerful shinobi from Konohagakure, so he has to be kept inside. He is allowed free roam of the base and you are not to injure him in anyway or there will be consequences! He may try to talk his way into you letting him out or may try to attack you, so just threaten Itachi's, I mean Sasuke's life if he steps out of line. Other than that, treat our new pet well. Kakuzu, I need you to buy a chakra depleting collar for him that will not fail and it needs to have some kind of jutsu on it or something so he is unable to remove it. That is all.

**$Money$:**  Great! Spending more money! At least our income is increased because of our alliance with the Sound... but there seems to be quite a bit of money disappearing recently... I'll have to investigate.

**$Money$ Disconnected**

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Fufufu, silly Kakuzu. This is getting fun.

**ArtEzABang!:**  hey danna.. thnk he fergot un?

**IAmGod:**  Sasori and Deidara! Come to my office immediately!

**IAmGod Disconnected**

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  You. Fucking. Idiot.

**ArtEzABang!:**  sht...

**EternalPuppetMaster Disconnected**

**ArtEzABang! Disconnected**

**TobiIzGoodBoi:**  Since senpai is gone, Tobi is leaving too! Bye Hidan-san! Bye Konan-san!, Bye

Zetsu-san! Bye Sasuke-kunn~

**TobiIzGoodBoi Disconnected**

**LollipopsAndSunshine:**  I'll be taking my leave as well.

**LollipopsAndSunshine Disconnected**

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod:**  I'm so fucking done with this stupid ass shit! First I get fucking threatened for no fucking reason, then get called to a pointless ass meeting, and now I have to fucking deal with a shitty pet! FUCK IT ALL! JASHIN DAMMIT!

**JashinIsFuckingTruGod Disconnected**

**PaperLove:**  ...Sasori and Deidara... going to Pein's office... after an online meeting? Is... Is he cheating on me?! With those sluts! No way... I won't let him..

**PaperLove Disconnected**

**MustKillItachi:**  ….I feel sick...

**MustKillItachi:**  And confused

**MustKillItachi:**  ….Nope, just sick

**MustKillItachi Disconnected**


	9. Heartbreak City

**MustKillItachi Logged in**

**MustKillItachi:**  Where is everyone? Wasn't there a meeting today?

**MustKillItachi:**  Hnnnn...

**Hate Logged in**

**Hate:**  Stupid Pein, just removing the spaces in the password. This was almost too easy to hack into.

**MustKillItachi:**  ...Who is this? I don't recognise your username.

**Hate:**  I don't recognise yours either, and I think that it would be something I'd remember... You're a member of the Akatsuki?

**MustKillItachi:**  Yes, now who are you?

**Hate:**  ...Is this Sasuke?

**MustKillItachi:**  …...hnnnnn...

**Hate:**  I'll take that as a yes. It's nice to talk with you again... Ototuo.

**MustKillItachi:** What?

**Hate:**  Oh? You couldn't figure that out by my username? I thought that'd be a dead giveaway... Speaking of dead, how's mom and dad doing?

**MustKillItachi:**  Aniki... I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, YOU BASTARD! TELL ME WHERE YOU'RE HIDING!

**Hate:**  Ahhh. Sorry but no, you can't kill me. You don't have enough hatred. But I will be happy to tell you my location if you plan on coming for a visit.

**MustKillItachi:**  No, I won't be coming for a visit! I'll be coming to kill you and take revenge! What part of I HATE YOU BECAUSE YOU KILLED OUR WHOLE CLAN JUST FOR THE FUN OF IT don't you understand?!

**Hate:**  All of it. Anyways, I hope to see you in the Village Hidden in Sound soon. You know, I may have logged on to be rescued, but I think this is a much better outcome.

**MustKillItachi:** What the hell does that mean you fucking stalker? Actually, I don't care. You better be ready because I'll be there tomorrow and this time, I will kill you. Because I am an avenger!

**MustKillItachi Disconnected**

**Hate:**  Hn~ My foolish little brother is so cute. It's obvious my kind words are making him love me once again. I can't wait to see him...

**RawrzJaws Logged in**

**Hate:**  Ah, hello my old partner.

**RawrzJaws:**...Itachi...

**Hate:**  Yes?

**RawrzJaws:** I-I miss you so much! You may have been a jerk to me and were never nice to me, not even once, and you killed my fish and used them as puppets, and locked me out of my room, and even Mangekyo'd me more then a few times, but I realised something as soon as you left. I discovered my true feelings for you, so I wanted to tell you...

**Hate:**  ...Stop

**RawrzJaws:**  I... I love you Itachi Uchiha! I was in denial before, but a recent change in my life allowed me to see my true feelings. I have come to terms with this, so there doesn't have to be anything standing between us!

**Hate:**  Kisame, I don't know how many times I have told you this, but the only reason I haven't killed you is because the look on your face as I kill your beloved fish and lower your self-esteem down into the negative is indefinitely amusing to me. If I ever hear you say those words to me again, not only will I slaughter every one of your fish before your very eyes, but I will force feed them to you after lacing it will a non-lethal poison that will cause you complete agony for weeks. If that doesn't do the trick, I will kidnap your entire clan, murder them, turn them into little blue sushi, and feed you each member individually and be kind enough to tell you who you're eating as you wail in sorrow.

**RawrzJaws:**  … You... I hate you Itachi!

**RawrzJaws Disconnected**

**Hate:**  You still don't have enough hate.

**IAmGod Logged in**

**Hate:**  Pein...

**IAmGod:**  …

**Hate:**  I've been meaning to speak with you but as you know, I've been out of town recently. I think now is a perfect time to chat.

**IAmGod:**  Ahh, I'm sorry  _stranger_  but this is a private chat. Besides, I am far too busy. Goodbye.

**Hate:**  You can try to avoid me, but I'll keep coming back. I have already set a plan into place to leave this here and soon, I will be stopping by for... a visit. Be expecting me soon.

**Hate Disconnected**

**IAmGod:**  He's been spending too much time with that weird snake man...He's even starting to speak like him.

**EternalPuppetMaster Logged in**

**ArtEzABang! Logged in**

**IAmGod:**  You're on time today? Looks like your punishment worked.

**ArtEzABang!:**  y-yeah leadr... plz nevr do that 2 us agan... we lernd our lesen, un..

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Yes, we won't make anymore amateur mistakes. Just please don't do that to us ever again...

**IAmGod:**  That punishment wasn't even that bad compared to what I've done to others. You should be happy you got away easy this time. If you ever mess up again, you will face my worse punishment.

**ArtEzABang!:**  not tht bad..?

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Got away easy?

**PaperLove Logged in**

**IAmGod:**  Yes, it wasn't that bad. I may have been a little rough but I only left a couple of bruises.

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  Yeah, but did you ever think about what it did to us on the inside?

**PaperLove:**  ...what?

**ArtEzABang!:** I stil hav the growse tayst in my mowth..

**IAmGod:**  It wasn't that bad. It only lasted an hour.

**PaperLove:** An hour?

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  My ass is still sore! It was seriously hard!

**PaperLove:**  THAT'S ENOUGH! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS!

**IAmGod:** Oh, I'm sorry Konan. I didn't realise you'd logged in.

**PaperLove:**  Hah! Too busy talking about your sexcapades with your sluts? Whatever Pein, we're over.

**PaperLove Disconnected**

**ArtEzABang!:**  wut the hell just hapend?

**EternalPuppetMaster:**  I'm not exactly sure what she was talking about, but it looks like you're in some deep shit. And because of this recent turn of events, I assume there will be no meeting so goodbye. I'm going to go see how many drugs I can get Kisame to buy with Kakuzu's money. I heard him sobbing in his room so I assume it will be a lot.

**EternalPuppetMaster Disconnected**

**ArtEzABang!:**  uhhh... im just guna go un...

**ArtEzABang! Disconnected**

**IAmGod:**  ….I...what... Konan...

**IAmGod:**  ...

**IAmGod:**  :(

**IAmGod Disconnected**


End file.
